You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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