if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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