saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
