No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
