I will die if light touches me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize