i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
