I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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