I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
