Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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