I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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