Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
