i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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