I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize