i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
