but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
