I wish I could teleport
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
