Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
