My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
