Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize