I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
