i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Randomize
