I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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