I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
