FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
How's work?
Spinning.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
