PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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