don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
