If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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