I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
