There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
