Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
