Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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