Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
