Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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