toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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