Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
