I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
my being single is dangerous.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
