Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
