Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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