my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i love accidental penises.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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