All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
