Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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