i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
