I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
