Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
