you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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