Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
