he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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