So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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