The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
