Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
