Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
