cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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