So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
