She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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