i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
