Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
