i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
