You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
